Of Dice and Men and Women who are also Half-Dragons
by Stefan Rook
Summary: When you're surrounded by technology that outpaces you by millenia, it's only natural to feel nostalgic for the clashing of steel and the smoke of magic. A few Smashers in the mansion try to sate this homesickness with unorthodox methods AKA some Fire Emblem characters play D&D.


**A/N: I have never played Awakening or Fates or D &D.**

* * *

"You find yourself in the town square. There are several stalls around the perimeter, most likely setting up for the festival to celebrate the year's harvest. To your right, there appears to be an extravagantly decorated tent. There are rows upon rows of gold and gem-encrusted garlands adorning the tent, giving it a rather royal appearance. You can sense an overwhelming magical force radiating through the tent flaps, but no one else appears to notice the tent at all. To your left, there is the local tavern and inn. It might be a good place to gather information and seek quests. In front of you—"

"I want to go to the tavern."

"Wait, let me finish. In front of you, there—"

"I want to go to the tavern!"

"I suppose I'll check the magical tent…"

"Shouldn't we wait to hear everything Robin has to say?"

Robin lazily glanced up, allowing his attention to drift from the world inside the game board. It had taken them longer than he had expected for them to fill out their character sheets, and guiding them was proving to be an equally difficult task. His original plan was simple: give 'em a quest, explore a dungeon, and kill a dragon. Unfortunately, Ike, Marth, and Kamui had a different idea.

The first problem was when all three of them had wanted to be sword-fighters. Robin had quickly explained to them that it would be better for them to create a more balanced team, such as adding a mage or a healer, if they wanted to survive. Ike and Kamui had been stubborn and refused to change, but Marth understood his reasoning and drafted himself a new character sheet as a magic user. He seemed to be the most rational amongst the trio, and Robin was delighted that someone in the group was sensible to his tactical advice.

The second problem had presented itself in the form of Ike's character sheet. Robin had checked them all to ensure they were did it properly as even he had only skimmed the rulebook and was still learning to understand the basics of this game.

"Ike, you can't just put 18 in all of your attributes."

"Why not?"

"You don't have enough points for that. Besides, you start at 10 Strength, so if you really wanted 18 Strength, you would need to bring down all your other attributes."

"But I'm not that slow or stupid."

"At least, that's what he thinks," Kamui quipped from across the table with a sly grin. She pushed her character sheet towards Robin who briefly skimmed over it before deciding it was acceptable. She, at least, hadn't made Ike's mistake and stayed within her limits.

"Just copy her attributes, okay?" Robin told Ike as he began to scratch out his former attributes.

After setting up what was necessary, they could finally begin their adventure. Robin felt pretty confident about the trials he had prepared for them; while it was true that he was their DM, their Dungeon Master, he knew that he had to provide a challenge and, if possible, defeat the adventurers. At least, that was what he had garnered from briefly reading the rulebook on this game.

Oh, right: the game.

"You enter the tavern," Robin began narrating to Kamui. "The air reeks of grog and another unpleasant smell. The bar staff is desperately trying to keep up with orders, but the patrons are becoming increasingly restless; it seems like a fight could erupt at any second. However, in one of the dank corners of the room—"

Kamui stifled a giggle. Robin ignored it.

"—there is an elderly man with a long white beard. There is an odd staff propped up against the wall next to him. He seems to be unaware of where he is as his eyes stare off for a thousand miles. He looks wise, and might have some important information for an adventured such as yourself."

When Robin finished, he immediately rotated to the two blue-haired swordsmen and narrated their part of the story to give Kamui time to decide on her action.

"Entering the tent, you're surprised to discover that the interior is actually very modest and holds few belongings. The only noteworthy object inside is a glowing crystal ball that rests atop a table set in the middle of the tent. A young woman is tending to it. Her face is partially obscured by a veil. You can ask her anything you'd like," Robin gestured for Ike to say something.

"I'll ask her for a quest, I guess," Ike says. While he himself would never go out asking for a job so bluntly, they were supposed to be looking for a quest. At least, that was how he had understood this game.

"The woman mentions that there have recently been sightings of a dragon in the area. While it hasn't attacked the village yet, the populace still lives uneasily in fear that the dragon may attack at any moment. It would take a brave adventurer to vanquish the dragon, and they would definitely be rewarded for their help."

"We couldn't let a village be so easily destroyed; not when we can do something about it. We'll accept the quest," Marth answered.

"Excellent," Robin smirked. "The woman is shocked that you're foolish enough to try and defeat a dragon, but she agrees to help you in what way she can. She gives you directions to the cave where the dragon is said to reside and wishes you luck in your future battle."

"Hey, Robin! I got it!" Kamui yelled to get the tactician's attention despite the fact that there was no more than a meter of space separating them. "I want to fight those guys at the bar!"

Of course she did.

Robin had set things up in a way so that she could have contributed to the quest somehow. What he had intended was for her to talk to the old man who in turn would give her advice and a weapon to use against the dragon. He considered telling her this to try and sway her mind, to try and make things easier for them. However, a whimsical shred of curiosity wandered into his mind, and he decided to play along with Kamui's request. He was willing to entertain this idea of fighting the people at the bar, and admittedly, he kind of wanted to see the outcom

"Okay," Robin nodded in understanding. "Some of the patrons have finally had enough and begun attacking the bartenders. There are about four of them, but none of them seem particularly well-built; this is an easy victory if you attack wisely. Roll," Robin said as he passed a set of three eight-sided dice to her.

"Do you need any assistance?" Marth asked in an oh-so-typical Marth fashion.

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, 'Mar-Mar'," Kamui ribbed him. "I maxed out my luck on the character sheet; there's no way I'll lose here!" she proclaimed confidently as she tossed the dice on the flat surface. Once they stopped tumbling, the numbers facing upward were available for all to see.

Three ones.

* * *

"You should have asked for help," Ike scolded her as his character tended to Kamui's wounds.

"S-Sorry… It's not my fault the dice are rigged," she pouted.

"I'm sure it was just bad luck. Next time, don't hesitate to ask for help," Marth tried to console her, but she continued sulking like a little kid.

Robin had barely been able to stifle his laughter when he had seen her roll. It was nearly impossible that she would have gotten the lowest possible roll for her action, and yet she had. What should have been an easy fight had instead ended with Kamui falling flat on her face, losing consciousness, and getting mugged. She had been carrying most of their gold, too, which was unfortunate. The last few pieces of gold they still had after that were spent on buying healing supplies, leaving them too broke to buy any kind of equipment or other supplies for the dungeon.

"Let's go," Ike told the other two as he finished up with Kamui. All three of them were now at full health. "I'd like to be better equipped than we currently are, but there's nothing we can do about that now."

Kamui shrank further into her shell as her features reddened in shame.

"It's not your fault. Any of us could have gotten that roll," Ike assured her. "We're going to need you for the upcoming battle, so cheer up."

Marth nodded in agreement with Ike's sentiments. "He's right; we'll need to combine our strength to defeat the dragon. We need you, Kamui."

Kamui seemed touched by their concern, and she quickly bounced back from her little bout of self-pity. "Oh, please! As if I didn't know THAT! You guys wouldn't stand a chance against the dragon without me!" She pointed an assertive finger towards their dungeon master. "Oi! Bookworm! Let's move this thing along, chop-chop!"

Robin felt better about what had happened now that Kamui was back to her usual snarky self, and complied with her demands. "You venture further into the forest, following the directions that the woman gave you earlier. After a few minutes of trekking, you come across the cave you've been looking for. Do you step inside?"

"Uh, duh!"

"The cave's entrance magically seals behind you. Defeating the dragon is the only way to undo the seal."

"Fuck."

"That's what we came here to do regardless," Ike said. "Where's the dragon?"

"Right around the corner. Whenever you're ready to fight it, go right ahead," the tactician answered.

"I don't suppose I can use Falchion, can I?" Marth asked warily, but he already knew the answer as the question left his lips.

"No, sorry."

"Ooh! Can I use my dragon powers?" Kamui asked.

While Robin initially wanted to deny her, he did feel a little bad about what had happened earlier. Throwing them into the final fight with little more than their starting equipment didn't seem like such a fun or fair game either, so he decided that some leniency was warranted.

"Hmm… I suppose I can allow it," Robin responded, "but you'll have to roll for it, and I'll allow Marth to use Falchion for the sake of fairness."

"Ha! Thanks, Robin!" Kamui flashed him a confident smile while Marth merely nodded his head in appreciation. Ike remained quiet; he had no such advantage against dragons (at least, not this kind), so he would just have to rely on his judgment and luck. He wasn't one to complain about challenges anyway.

"Let's be off. We won't find a better opportunity no matter how long we wait," Marth said as the group traversed deeper into the dragon's den.

The dragon was waiting for them in the next room over. It was simply designed, really; just your typical fire-breathing dragon with high offensive and defensive capabilities. In fact, Robin had taken care to make it like this so as to give both sides a fighting chance. The battle could have easily gone either way if the adventurers were well-equipped.

They were not. They would just have to pray and hope that Lady Luck would bless them with good rolls.

"Who wants to attack first?" The tactician asked, looking around the table.

"I will," Ike proclaimed as he snatched the dice off the table, rattling them in his hand. "I just have to roll these, right?"

"Yeah. You can get anything between three and twenty-four."

Ike shook the dice a few times before rolling. Eleven.

"Tch," Ike clicked his tongue, obviously disappointed with such a weak start. His attack ended up doing only minimal damage to the dragon. Marth was the next one to grab the dice, and he followed suit with an unlucky roll of nine. His attack actually ended up doing more damage than Ike's thanks to his particular weapon, but even that much was pathetic.

"I'll pick up both of you guys' slack," Kamui joked as she was the next to roll the dice.

Twenty. Kamui rewarded herself with a fist pump as her attack made up for both of her teammates' flukes.

Now it was Robin's turn to decide the dragon's counterattack. To do so, he used a different set of dice: six six-sided dice. It was overwhelming, for sure, but then again, so was the dragon. His first roll came out to a whopping thirty-three, and it nearly obliterated Ike's entire health bar.

"Talk about a lopsided battle…" Ike bemoaned his situation as he mentally prepared himself for another roll.

"I didn't intend for you three to come here so ill-equipped; that's why I'm letting Marth and Kamui bend the rules a little bit," Robin explained as Ike threw the set of dice onto the table, earning a seventeen and doing average damage to the dragon.

"About that, what about your dragon blood, Kamui?" Marth turned to the girl at his side as he was next to roll.

She raised an eyebrow. "What about it?"

"Do you intend to use it?" He clarified as he rattled the dice in his grip. After a brief pause, he tossed the dice, revealing a fifteen. Even if they got nothing but decent rolls from here on out, their damage simply wouldn't be able to keep up with the dragons. They would need some kind of miracle to truly come out victorious.

"Of course I do! I've just been thinking about _how_ to use it," Kamui haughtily replied, earning a queer expression from Robin.

"What do you mean?" He wondered.

"We don't technically have to _kill_ the dragon, right? All we have to do is get it to leave the town alone, right?"

"That's…true." Robin finished after a brief pause. "Where are you going with this?"

"I'm going to negotiate with this dragon!" Kamui confidently stated, puffing out her chest. All three boys were taken aback by the idea.

"You're going to _what?_ " Robin asked for clarification, but he was fairly certain he had heard her correctly.

"You're going to try and get him to leave? Is that really such a good idea?" Ike added.

"W-Well, I figured if we're both dragons, he'd listen to what I had to say!" Kamui quickly explained as she unsuccessfully tried to play it off using her charm. "Look, we can't beat this dragon with force alone; just look at our equipment! Look at your health, Ike! You know I'm telling the truth!"

Ike contemplated her words, but his thoughts were interrupted by the DM's dice.

Twenty-eight.

His features steeled as he watched what little health he left crumble. He was dead.

"Sorry about that," Robin apologized under his breath even though it was unwarranted. They both knew this was how things would end, and Ike couldn't hold it against him for doing his part.

"Don't be. You only did what you had to."

The group of adventurers was now a party of two, but what could be done about it? Marth found no morale in this new revelation, and was instead struggling with a dilemma. In one hand, he, quite literally, held the key to defeating the dragon. In the other hand, he held a set of dice. Should he take his chances and try rolling a perfect number, or should he just hand the dice to Kamui and let her execute her idea? He had to admit, he felt the same way Ike did about her idea, but he saw no other alternative.

"I defend," Marth blankly stated.

"So you won't roll?" Robin asked to make sure. He hated to see his friends surrender, especially when this was all meant to be fun in the end.

"While I may not swing my blade anymore, don't think I am surrendering this battle. I am only opting for a different path," Marth spoke as his hand moved mechanically towards his only remaining teammate. Kamui noticed this motion and stuck out her hand to catch the dice, but before she could say anything, a gloved hand gripped her wrist rather forcefully. Her eyes instantly jumped to the hand now cuffing hers, and she most likely would have complained if Marth hadn't broken the tension first.

"Don't lose."

With those words, he deposited the dice in the palm of her hand and let go of her wrist, allowing her blood to flow normally once more. She accepted them with a hesitant nod, uncomfortable with how the stakes suddenly skyrocketed in the last few seconds. However, Marth's demeanor and actions showed her one thing: he was betting on her rolls, and that gave her all the drive she needed. There was only one thing left to do now.

"Robin, give me a persuasion check," Kamui sternly demanded.

"Considering the circumstances and how you've angered the dragon… I think twenty-four sounds about right," Robin replied.

"Robin, be serious. That's an impossible roll and you know it," Ike's ire surfaced for the first time in their game, and he seemed that he had more to say until Kamui waved a hand in his direction that signaled for him to stop.

"No, it's fine. I can get a twenty-four. Besides, it's not _literally_ impossible." It sounded like she was trying to convince herself. No matter how impossible it seemed to get a perfect roll, she still had one trick up her sleeve; an element that Robin had blatantly glossed over which, if he had taken notice of earlier, would have made him very, very fearful right now. It was something that all four players sitting at the table knew, yet one that only she appeared to remember.

This was Kamui's gambit, and with that logic tucked away in the back of her head, she threw the first die out.

Eight.

The sighs of relief that came from the two swordsmen next to her were almost overwhelming, but she couldn't let it distract her. A simple eight meant nothing, for without both of its complements, it was useless in the grand scheme of things. She rattled the die in her hand for a few more seconds, maintaining a focal point exactly where the first dice had first bounced. She threw her second die with perfect aim, hitting the same spot as the first die.

Eight as well.

Marth started to speak, shocked that something like this could occur at the very moment they needed it the most. "Kamui, what are you—"

"Don't. It's not over yet," Ike interrupted him, and if Kamui weren't so focused, she would have thanked him.

"No way… No way you can roll a twenty-four. Th-Th-That's statistically impossible," Robin stammered in his words. As a tactician, uncertainty terrified him. Everything he had ever done, ranging from back in his days with the Shepherds, he had done with caution and good judgment. He made sure he had all the variables accounted for and only moved forward when victory was absolutely certain. That was how he had always done things, and that was how he had always succeeded. There was, however, one variable that he could never control. One variable that had the possibility to spell both utter defeat and overwhelming victory. It was the one variable that could upset everything, even if all the numbers where in your favor.

That variable was a tactician's worst nightmare, and Robin was quickly realizing his mistake.

"No. No. There's no way that's why this is happening. How? How could it happen right now of all the times?" He craned his neck in Kamui's direction, desperately trying to get a look at her character sheet and assuage his fear.

Meanwhile, Kamui had noticed that Robin now understood the situation. "You noticed it too, huh? The reason you're so scared? The reason I've been able to roll an eight twice in a row?" She let out a scornful chuckle under the disguise of a sigh, allowing her concentration and overly serious demeanor to drop. She had no more need of it. "Really Robin, you're usually more cautious than this. I'm a little taken aback myself that it took you this long to remember, but did you really forget it so quickly?" Kamui threw the last die onto the table as she finished her sentence.

"I maxed out my luck."

A third eight appeared amongst the dice strewn on the table. With victory secured, Kamui let out a long-held sigh of relief while Ike merely sat there with a large grin plastered on his face. He did reach over and pat Kamui on the shoulder though, congratulating her on a job well done.

Marth, on the other hand, jumped out of his seat and instantly enveloped Kamui in a hug. "Kamui! You… Wow! I knew it! I knew that you could do it! Hey, this means we won, right? Did we win, Robin?" He asked the Dungeon Master.

Robin looked about ready to keel over. His eyes were transfixed to the set of dice on the table. The clinical stare he was giving them was so intense that the three bystanders were almost positive that it would bore into the table itself.

"Um, Robin," Kamui started. "It's just a game, man. I mean, I know how hard I just whooped your ass"—Ike gave her a cold glare—"but you shouldn't be this morose about it, y'know?" She was probably the last person who should have been speaking right now, but she still felt like she had to say something.

Robin got up from his seat quickly, his gaze shifting from the table to his fellow adventurers. The blank expression he had on his face gave no hint as to what he would possibly say next. The trio shifted uncomfortably. Suddenly, his lips curled into a small smile.

"Fuck this game. I'm gonna go hang out with Lucina," he sang merrily as he walked out of the room. The sound of his boots slowly dissipated as he walked further and further away.

His reaction left the three sword users even more puzzled than they already were, and an exchange of queer glances ensued. All three turned to the table they had just been sat at. The game pieces and all other materials were still laid atop the wooden surface, but they had no idea as to how to put it away, and the only man who knew how to had just left the room. They were saved from this arduous task however by a passing Robyn who, upon noticing them as she walked by the doorway, took a step back and poked her head in.

"Hey guys! What's going on?" She asked in an upbeat manner, entirely unaware of the atmosphere in the room.

"We beat Robin at Dungeons & Dragons." Kamui decided to keep it plain just in case, and the blue-haired swordsmen made no attempt to add or change anything about her statement.

"Is that why he's in such a bad mood?"

"How do you know that?"

"I passed by him just now. At least, he seemed like it."

Another awkward silence overtook the room as the three players didn't know what to say next. Robyn had an idea on how to break the tension though.

"So uh… you guys want to see the new Game of Thrones?"

"Meh."

"Sure."

"I'm down!"

And then they watched Game of Thrones.

* * *

 **A/N: I'll write something serious again at some point, I'm sure of it.**


End file.
